Florida Survival Tips

By Tim Lawler – 1 month ago

Whether you are just visiting Florida, just moved here or been a native Floridian all of your life, these Florida survival tips could help you out!

1) The seagulls on the beaches are like a mafia hit.

Edit Mine. Mine. Swooping in on those french fries like they had a debt to pay. There’s always the little kid who’s food gets stolen right out of his little innocent hands. Seagulls show no mercy. they eat every last bit of food and then in a flash they’re gone! Keep your food guarded very well. leave nothing unattended!
2) We have 7 bottles of sunscreen and at least one of them is spf 50.

One for each car, one for the alcove, one for the backyard, one in the garage, and 4 extras in the Editlaundry cupboard just in case. The Sun is sooo strong down here. We are the southernmost state in the United states, the  closest state to the equator and you can feel it! It will turn your skin into extra crispy bacon in an hour’s time!  It only takes a few of those burns to learn to always have a bottle of screen ready. An ounce of spray is worth a pound of cure!

3) 14 ft gators on the golf courses.

Meet Big Humpback. This gator is 100 years old 14 feet long and weighs in excess of 1,000 lbs.

see ya later! He eats things as small as you for breakfast without breaking a sweat.

He does not care about your golfing and will not let you play through.

Give this animal his space. Alligators will eat you.

4) You know it’s cold when it rains iguanas.

The weirdest thing happens here when it gets down in the 40’s here. It rains iguanas. They fall from

Iguana move to Florida somedaythe trees like ripe fruit. It’s too cold for them. They go into a type of hibernation and they just go stiff!

There’s a story that a new Florida resident saw all these ‘frozen’ iguanas in their back yard and gathered them up to take the poor reptiles to the local vet.

Halfway there in the warm car they started to come alive and were scurrying all through the car and on his back. It was a madhouse and he almost got in a wreck!

Iguanas are not to go in your car.

5) It rains while the sun is shining.

Clouds? We don’t need no stinking clouds. EditWe get rain with it bright and sunny just as much as dark and overcast. After all it is the sunshine state.

In some parts of Florida the afternoon rains come like clockwork. Is it 3 pm? Here’s two inches of rain in 15 minutes for ya!

Waterspouts, downpours, lightning capitals of the world.

We are the sunshine state but we are extreme weather land also.

Keep a change of clothes and an umbrella in your car.

6) Your car will kill you if it’s not parked in the shade.

In the summer it gets hot, real hot. Like your tires melt a little hot. Leather seats and seat belt buckles will burn you like a branding iron.

We always try to get the spot in the shade. it could be an extra 100 feet away from the door but it’s worth it.

In the north we get remote control car starters to warm up the car. In the south we do the same thing for the opposite reason. For the love of god keep that ac fully charged and rocking!

The shade is your friend.

7) No one knows how to drive in Florida

Somehow the very worst drivers from the entire eastern half of the country have all found their way Editto the state of Florida. I kid you not. They come from the south, the north, the Massholes, the AARP. A good quantity of our drivers are used to driving on the left side of the road too. Put them altogether and you have the makings for a great Mad Max movie, but a horrible driving scene.

A good defense is your best offense around here. Just keep your eyes on the road and your insurance card handy. You’ll need it soon enough!

8) Hurricanes aren’t a big deal until they hit category 2 or above.

Up to 95 mph winds is just a really bad storm for us. We deal with wind and rain all the time. No Editbig deal. We just bring in our deck umbrellas. When Cat II gets announced though we turn into food packrats and buy all the bread and water we can. we buy stuff to eat that normally we would never buy. Like oh a hurricane’s coming? Let me get 3 boxes of twinkies and enough beef jerky to last a month. Also canned soup suddenly makes it back on the list. Weird, I know.

So relax until you see the hurricane projected to be a category two at landfall or if Jim Cantore is in your town lol.

9) Flip flops and a hoodie are all you really need to survive winters here.

Okay, maybe some socks too, but basically the worst you’re going to get is a few 40 degree mornings Editwarming up to 60’s later in the day.

It’s Florida, that’s why we come here for the amazingly mild winter.

10) Conch is pronounced “conk” not as it’s spelled. Speak like the locals.

It is not an insult to be called a conch sucker, rather more of a term of endearment.

Key West, the conch republic, has been the place to eat these spiral shelled molluscs for over 3,000 years (according to tribal artifacts).

The queen conch or Strombus Gigas is a super delicious gastropod that we in Florida eat as part of our rites of passage and rights as a resident.

I think in the bylaws it is a requirement to remain a citizen one must consume conch.

So keep these few survival tips in mind and you’ll do just fine in Florida. 


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